Thursday, June 12, 2014


Often when someone else's reality does not line up nice and neatly with mine and I am not in the head space to shift my reality to fit theirs it can trigger a negative reaction in me. 

What is a trigger: 
Words or actions of someone (not necessarily negative in nature) that are directed at/to you that sparks a negative reaction in you. When someone says or does something not specifically mean or meant to hurt you, that gets your back up, that for some mysterious reason unknown to you makes you feel the need to defend yourself or strike out at the person and hurt them in return for what they said or did to you.  Simple words or actions directed to you that just plain make you angry. 

Everyone has their own triggers and they often do not even know why something is triggering a negative angry reaction in themselves. I have been trying to figure out my triggers and why they affect me as they do for a while now. One major trigger I have is when someone close to me tells me what to do, even with a simple suggestion or question, this makes me defensive and wildly angry.

A simple 'shouldn't you get dressed first? Most people do their hair after they get dressed not before they get dressed'..... my mind immediately goes into angry defence mode and thinks ' really MOST people do their hair AFTER they get dressed? and how the fuck do you know MOST PEOPLE? I have been getting dressed after I do my hair my whole life and you have lived with me for 18 years and all of a sudden today you feel the need to 'suggest' I do my hair after I get dressed? REALLY I mean REALLY? Fuck you for thinking you need to suggest to me how I should be doing something so simple as what order to do my hair and get dressed. What do you think I am a moron that needs to be told how to do that? Or maybe you think I have been doing it wrong all these years, and you never even noticed how I was doing it for 18 years!!'  

So I trigger and snap and say something in anger, often hurtful and the person who 'suggested' how I should be doing things does not understand why I am so angry and I can not tell them as they seem not to want to hear what I have to say so I am stuck in a sticky mire of negativity that I have no where to direct but inwards onto myself.

In hindsight I need to figure out first why I triggered. So I do not trigger straight to anger every time . I know I can rebuild my internal emotional systems to instead laugh or ignore these simple suggestions instead of want to hit someone up side the head for telling me how I should be doing  something even though my way works fine. 

First I have to figure out why did that little 'suggestion' that I could have easily laughed at or ignored affect me so strongly? What trigger did it push? 

Emotions I felt:

This is what I heard:

Stupid - Don't you know EVERYBODY (except you) does it different. I mean everyone! What are you STUPID for not knowing this?
Wrong - Seriously you are doing it WRONG, EVERYBODY in the whole wide world gets dressed first get it right already!
Un-loved - How can I possibly love you if you do not get ready in the morning the same as EVERYBODY else in the world?
Un-worthy- I just noticed that you get dressed wrong in the morning after 18 years and no you were not worthy of me noticing and remembering before this moment, so now that I noticed you need to do it how EVERYBODY in the world does it  because your way is WRONG. 
Un-memorable- Oh hey I just realized you get dressed WRONG, sorry you are not very memorable. 
Ugly - Oh I just realized why I think you are UGLY you get dressed all WRONG in the morning.
Un-important- You are so UN-IMPORTANT to me that I never really noticed how you get dressed in the morning even though I have been watching you for 18 years. 

Now if I can just figure out what traumatic life event made me feel all these negative emotions when someone thinks I am doing something that needs to be changed to do it the way they think it should be done for it to be done right.  I will reflect on it and know that next time someone I love and am close tells me how I should be doing something, I will be aware of the affect it has on me and make a conscious effort not to let it anger me. 

Conscious alternate reaction I can have in this situation:
I can calmly ask what made you think of that today?
I will remember to not take it personally
I will not take it as a reflection on me as a person
I will laugh at the suggestion because obviously the way I do it works perfectly fine and has for a very long time
I will affirm that yes that is a way to alternatively do it perhaps I will try it one day

Today's Affirmation:

Today I will not take anything personally. I will hear what others have to say without turning it into a negative personal attack and will openly listen to what they have to say. 

Love and light

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Panic or calm....... my choice

One thing I have been taught is that I create my own reality. So why then is my reality not always bright and sunny and not stressful? I know that whatever I send out comes back to me. I try my very very hardest to send out positive thoughts and energy so that the same returns back to me.

I have for many years been practicing ways to energetically protect myself, I put my bubble around myself to filter out all the negative that invades my aura from others around me. I imagine mirrors facing out to reflect back any purposefully sent negativity back to the sender.  Ego however does not reside outside these protections I create around myself instead he resides inside of me and he is always there ever willing to taunt me and no matter how often I put his annoying little ass back in  closet, he always knows the best words to whisper in my ear so I allow him out to play. He is a master at knowing where to poke at me that will encourage me to worry, because according to him terrible panic and worry/fight or flight are the energies that 'will' solve all problems. 

Of course all that crazy worry created panic does is create a problem filled future of unmanageable proportions. The roiling emotions of panic and worry that I stir in the huge boiling pot of my mind feeds my ego and the more my pot boils the more joyful my ego becomes. It comes to mind the cartoons of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. That annoying little (or big if I let him be) ego rollicking through my mind cheering me loudly on as I joyfully create a chaotic panic filled picture of my future, while the quieter calmer voices of my 'angels' so easily goes unheard. 

Once the little bugger gets a grip on my emotions it is often terribly hard to pry his fingers out of the cracks and put him back where he belongs behind the closed door to be seen and not heard so I can hear the quieter more calm voices around me. 

When ego has gotten a good strong hold on my hand, often days can go by before I am able to calm the chaos that I have helped him create,  to feel the soft embrace of my higher self and the soft voices of my spirit guides and angels and know that everything will be okay. To accept that I have the power to not let fear of the unknown take a seat at the for front of my mind. That I run my life not my ego. The unknown does not have to be fearful it can be anticipated with joy. Instead of allowing ego to create dark negative scenarios of my future. I have the ability to enjoy every perfect moment that I am living right now and should I really feel the need to predict the future I can create beautiful calm wonderful futures for myself. 

Instead of  maniacally dancing hand in hand with my ego, and helping him build the darkest scariest scenario for my future that we can "See now you are going to fail, see how little money you have! What are you going to do? It is SO SLOW at the shop it is probably going to be slow forever now and you will lose everything! What are you going to do now that you have lost everything you worked so hard for?" 

I CAN create a beautiful future by listening to the quiet voice of my higher self and walking hand in hand with my spirit guides and guardian angels. "It is slow at the shop because I have had other things planned that I had to get done for myself and the shop before the crazy busy rush of the summer begins. My spirit guides and guardian angels saw how hard it was for me to be busy and try and finish up on the newest room to the studio while packing to move to a new home and going away for a retreat and courses two weekend in a row, so they helped me create a slow calm period in which to focus on finishing up with those important things in my life.  I have been gifted with this calm and unhurried time it is not a punishment or a negative reflection of the rest of my life.  Summer will be busy with work just as I manifest it and I will have a beautiful bright worry free future I just have to allow it to manifest."

Today's Affirmation:
Just for today
I will live and enjoy every minute of today, I will not panic, I will not worry, I will not go dancing hand in hand with my ego through my mind creating a chaotic scary future. I will trust that I am creating a beautiful abundant future for myself!

Love and Light

Friday, June 6, 2014

I am good enough

Well I attended a Goddess Heart Retreat. It was so nice, full of relaxed positive energy. What did I learn about myself? I learned I can do something alone and be okay. I am a nice person and people like me for me. I am good enough.

I AM good enough.
I will remember that my story is only my story and I have to live in and love only my story.
I will not take offence if someone does not want to be a part of my story.
I will live one second at a time, live in each moment and not worry about what any other person on the planet is thinking or feeling about me.
I will let all things come to me on there own or not come to me at all
I know that others do not validate me, I validate myself and what they think has absolutely no true bearing on my life at all.
I will be open to them if they are with me,  I will be loving and kind and accept their loving kindness in return should they decide to bestow it upon me.
I will not let anyone else write my story, one way or the other. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of me but me,  if I am love and light, authentic and non-judgemental then I am good with me.

I welcome all light beings into my life and invite them all to be a part of my story. All things I desire will come to me. I choose to trust in me and what I am feeling this minute and not judge myself based on the opinions or 'perceived' opinions of others.

I choose to be grateful for every minute of every day that I am here on this earth, be it positive or negative.

Affirmation for today:
Today I am good enough, every second and every minute of every hour
good things will come to me.

Love and Light

Friday, May 23, 2014

Chaos makes me stronger

Some days I feel creatively drained. My mind is blank. It is frustrating when something you are good at seems to have abandoned you. I love to write. I am good at it. Usually.....

The last couple of days every time I sit down to try and write I am not sure what I want to say. My ego has been out of the closet more often than usual with his angry attitude and rude comments. So all I want to do is write about negative things.

I guess if I was a professional writer it would be called writers block. I imagine it happens in all areas, perhaps it is my spirit guides letting me know I need to turn my attention to other things in my life at the moment. And in the overload that is my life my Ego has stepped forward in self preservation, in his never ending in your face pushy way,  to save me from my dangerous life.

Yes I guess I have a lot going on right now. We are moving to a new house in a week & renovating a room at the shop (New paint and flooring), on top of all the regular things we have to do everyday. Plus it is spring and nice out and we want to get as much quiet time at the motorhome at our summer spot as possible. We have to drive and pick up some furniture we are purchasing for our new house today after work. Tomorrow we want to go out and spend a couple days at the summer spot. We still have to pack next week because we move on Thursday. We want to put flooring down in the remodelled room at the shop, while working in between remodelling AND next weekend I have booked myself into a Goddess Spiritual Retreat starting on Friday so we have to have all this done by next Friday. Haha no pressure.

So it stands to reason I am feeling a bit disconnected. And as a result Ego is out of the closet in full regalia cheering me on, and speaking through my mouth with his unique angry snarky tone. I can see him in my mind excitedly and happily dancing around while throwing out rude comments about everything like a demented little leprechaun.   I have to gently, or non to gently if needed, relegate him back to his supporting role in the back seat to do what he is supposed to do and wait for a 'real' life threatening situation to come forward to help me out with.

So I ground myself, ask my spirit guides and guardian angels for strength to focus on one minute, one hour, one day at a time until I have once again worked my way out of the craziness I have orchestrated for myself and have a chance to breath a sigh and relax. Of course I realize I obviously Love the craziness and chaos I create in my life because I do it over and over and over again. Is it a good thing? I do not know. However what does not kill me makes me stronger and I do love the sense of accomplishment I get from surviving and conquering the chaos when it is all said and done. I will add it to the list of things I want to take some time to sit down, and meditate on it when I get a free minute later on.

Huh in hindsight I guess I do have something positive to write. Thank you my spirit guides.

Lesson learned: 
Open your mind and let you spirit guides help you and they are always there to do so!

Todays Affirmation:

Today I will be calm and focused even in the centre of chaos. 

Love and Light

Saturday, May 17, 2014


I did one of those online quizzes this one was called "What do people like about you?"
It warned me: You might be in for a surprise.

It had 10 generic questions. 
What would you miss the most after not having a week? -Car -TV -Computer -Phone
How often do you find yourself angry at someone? -Almost Always -Almost Never -Rarely -Sometimes
Pick a board game -Chess -Checkers -Backgammon. 
What is the best gift you can receive? -Box of treats -Hugs -kisses -Flowers
and so on.........

Well after being forewarned I might be surprised at the answer, much to my surprise I got this:
You're a blissy-type. Happiness, euphoria, and rapture describe your personality well. You have a contagiously optimistic outlook on life, and deep down you truly and honestly believe that things will get better. Precisely because of this natural elation you have, reality always aligns itself to give you the best that it offers.

WOW ....... Woo Hoo!!

This after I honestly answered I feel like I am almost always angry at someone, and that the best gift I could get was a Box of Treats (which I promptly felt was a selfish answer even though it was a truthful answer).  Huh go figure. Well needless to say I am going to take this one and run with it. I never figured myself to be the blissy-type before. Incidentally I also took the test and answered the opposite of what I would answer and the thing I got was a 'Smile' so not everyone gets the same thing. 

Okay so the question is really what is bliss? Because it is one of those words that sounds really really hard to attain. 

Bliss: is a stage which is above any emotional state that is characterized as peace or happiness (feelings of enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction).

Okay so that does not sound so intimidating to achieve. All I have to do is be in an emotional state of happiness and peace, which is the place in my head where I am feeling enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction. Looking at it this way I find this is something easily attainable.

This truly is my goal in life, like really who would not want to be happy, euphoric, and rapturous? What great words to strive for in my life. So I ask myself do I already have an optimistic outlook on life? Do I truly believe deep down that things will get better? Is reality aligning itself with me to give me the best it has to offer?

I am choosing to believe that my guides are sending me a message with this random little test, that I am on the right track. That all the affirmations, conscious setting forth of intent, meditating, positive energy and believing I will receive all that I desire is working for me. I am achieving the optimistic outlook on life I want. I do believe things will get better and I do know that reality aligns itself to my desires. My life is on the right track and I am creating a positive reality for myself! 

(shut up and go back to your closet Ego!

It can be hard to be positive and believe that all of my efforts are reaping positive results in my life when Ego is constantly trying to rear his sarcastic negative ugly head inside of me and trying to beat me down.  I sometimes think "As if life is not hard enough as it is, without that voice in my head (who's name is Ego) telling me I am not: good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough...... blah blah blah".  Then I think, "hey screw you Ego, I am good, strong, smart and pretty enough." I do not have to buy into your negative attitude, I can and am freeing my positive blissy self from the prison my Ego has tried to keep it in all my life and I am believing in the positive reality I am creating for myself.  

Affirmation for today:
I am living with optimism and bliss. 

Love and Light

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Forward Movement??


Or maybe it is forgetful. 

It can be a side effect of opening yourself and raising your vibration when you are developing your intuitive abilities. I have been doing my best to figure out how to deal with it. I have always been a great 'organizer' however lately I have been a bit unorganized and scattered. Or at least I feel as if I am not doing what I need to do to 'develop' my intuitive skills. As with anything new repetition is the key. Meditating EVERY day to get in the 'habit' is hard. Writing in my journal EVERY day is difficult because some days I do not know what to write. Often I record my dreams as I am a vivid dreamer, occasionally I write down meditations and messages I get from my tarot cards and rarely I write down random synchronicities or messages I notice during the day.  As with everything I started out trying really hard to meditate every day. Slowly over the weeks I went to 5, 4, 3, 2 days a week. I am going to say it is because our house is so small and noise bothers me and makes it hard to meditate so I get frustrated. However I think perhaps it is the fact that I am not sure what I am gaining by meditating every day. I think I should be getting insight and messages from my spirit guides and guardian angels however I do not always get anything. In thinking about it I think that is what I am supposed to achieve in meditating, nothingness. If that is the case I am doing fabulous at it.  I know I want a 'mentor' to help me stay on track and encourage me with my development, kind of like the Jenny Craig mentor you see every week that tells you 'you are doing fabulous keep up the good work' and to give me helpful advice on how to proceed. I have put out the intention for this mentor to come into my life and I am sure in time they will come. Patience little sprout patience. 

I want the change and learning to be quicker than it is sometimes. The even road where you stay the same is kind of like the plateau when you are on a diet, discouraging. I know that my guides are with me at all times, guiding me and supporting me. I am not going to have great epiphanies every day, some days will just be........ boring, as my guides gently steer me in the right direction. Good thing they are patient, forgiving, understanding and kind because somedays I can frustrate even myself with my willy nilly misdirection. 

I do know that I am working on my intuitive self daily. Everyday I make a conscious effort to be aware of how my ego is encouraging me to be, offended, or mean, or upset, or angry. Everyday I gently push my ego back and sooth it telling it, 'it is okay I got this I do not need to be mean, rude, angry or upset. I do not need to worry and fear the future it is not here yet.' I am slowly making tiny forward movements in the taming of my volatile ego. Every teeny tiny step is progress. Everyday I do my affirmations and make a conscious effort to be a beautiful loving being inside and out. This is the best thing I can do for myself, learning, meditations, dream analyzation, crystal use aside. Because without the taming of my volatile ego the expansion of my true spiritual self would not be possible at all. 

Affirmation for the day:
Today I am going to enjoy the forward movement of my life moment by moment. I am going to gently guide my poor scared ego back into the quiet room of my mind. I am going to enjoying the forward movements of learning to love myself and my life!

One thing it is good to remember is that most days we do not see the grand scheme for our lives we just need to trust and love ourselves and know we are in the place we need to be now at this moment of our life. 

Love and Light

Monday, May 5, 2014

Understanding Me the 'INFJ' Enigma

I did the Jung personality test on myself yesterday and then did it again on a different web site and both times I got INFJ "Strength of individual traits: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging, Turbulent".  From what I have researched (I am an obsessive researcher which I notice is a trait of the INFJ personality type) that only 1%-3% of people in the world are INFJ's. So it is no wonder people do not 'get' me and even I often do not 'get' me.

I am and always have been an enigma (a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand) even to myself.

True to INFJ personality, I was super introverted as a child I was terrified to go anywhere by myself without someone with me to 'protect' me. Perhaps part of this comes from me also being an intuitive/empath and not realizing and therefore not understanding this and as a result not being able to control or block the energy of others around me. Of course as a natural progression in order to protect ourselves, we grow and learn as we get older and I have 'trained' myself how to be okay being around people I do not know and going into unfamiliar places, I can go out by myself and take care of what needs to be taken care of without needing to have someone 'hold my hand'.  However even after 50 years of life and 35 years of personal conditioning and training I still have that little bit of panic inside whenever I have to do something without someone by my side to 'protect' me. Protect me from what? I am not exactly sure, I can not articulate it to myself so therefore can not articulate it to you, however if you feel it too you know what I mean. Perhaps it is that I can naturally 'draw' the familiar energy of the person I am with around myself, thus protecting myself from being overwhelmed by the energy of those I do not know and am unfamiliar with.

This personality type can be seen as an extroverted due to their warm and caring nature.
I do love people, however I like to be around people under my own terms and conditions. When I am working at my business which I own and am comfortable in I have no problem interacting with people I do not know, who come in to speak with me.  If I have to go somewhere I have never been where I will not know anyone I am very shy, much quieter and reserved. I would rather go somewhere familiar than anywhere new, be it a public or private place, a restaurant, a store, a persons home,  I have never gone to before.  I still have to 'force' myself to go into places I have never been before. Over time these places and people become familiar and it gets easier to go back the more times I go. Couple my natural tendency to be introverted with overwhelming intuition and empathic feeling, and I begin to understand why I have the difficulty I have in relating and being comfortable in the world.

I have not always been able to understand how my strong empathic and intuitive feelings effect me.  Now that I have taken proactive forward steps to understand empathy and intuition I wonder why I did not do it sooner.  I look back at the 50 years that have passed and think that this point in my life can easily be only the mid point of my life here and when I look to the future and the next 50 years, I am excited to think of all I can accomplish and the spiritual growth I will be able to make in this time.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Symbols of the voice in my head. Fact or fiction.

Written and spoken and language can be the bane of our existence.  I communicate to you the voice in my head by using the symbols I have learned that we are both programmed to understand. This can be very limiting if I am in a place where the symbols they have learned to communicate do match the symbols I have learned to communicate with.

We are taught how to speak words to tell each other what is in the personal world of our mind. We are taught language a symbolism of spoken and written letters to share with those around us what is in our minds. We are taught the meaning of each word and each symbol and each sound. We are also learn to associate a feelings with these words and symbols. We learn about good and bad, beautiful and ugly, love and hate,  according to the people in our lives we are learning from. Is everything we say with this language we learn to each other the absolute truth? No. When it comes to written and spoken communication it only has meaning if we understand it and agree to the meaning of it as it has been taught to us. Language is something we rely on and need to make it easier to convey the complicated world of our minds to others and for them to share with us what is going on in their mind,  no two people have the same mind and no two people live in the same head space.

I love to write. Sometimes my writing has gotten me into trouble, sometimes it has helped me out. It has soothed my broken soul on more than one occasion. I also love to speak sometimes I get verbal diarrhea unable to find the shut off valve, and other times I should open my mouth and speak and the door is shut and locked and I can not find the key.

So we communicate. It is inherent in our soul to share our own individual worlds with each other.

Communication is not only about the spoken and written word, it is about what we sense without the symbols of language. The truest form of communication is the communication that comes without words.  It is what we see, feel, hear and smell. I see a car you do not have to explain it to me, it is what it is, I may not understand it the same way you do but it is what it is a solid object I can see. The object is truth it is what it is. I can feel your energy you do not have to tell me what kind of a day you are having I just know. You communicate with me with energy. I hear your words and often they do not match your energy.  Energy is truth. I can hear the infliction of your words, whatever the words may be I can hear the energy of your words.

Words are not always truth. When I speak to you, you do not know whether what I speak is my truth or not my truth. We can hide behind words. Words can be empty. 'How are you today? ....... Fine.' Empty. We can trick others into believe something that is not true with language. We can create chaos and hate and fear and hurt and sadness with words. We can also create beauty and love and joy and comfort with words. Language is a powerful thing, however it is not always truthful.

Words can be empty, untruthful and deceiving. As long as you are alive your energy will never be empty, untruthful or deceiving.  Your energy can not lie, it is the truth of your being. The symbols I use to communicate to you what the voice in my head is saying are not always truthful. No matter how hard I may try they are subject to your personal beliefs and feelings. When we learn to believe in the truth of our energy we will be able to create a more beautiful world.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My Pendant

So when I was living in Belize I wanted to talk to my dad who has passed away and I know is still with me and watching over me. I suppose being so far away from everyone and everything I knew it seemed like a good time to try and 'speak' with my dad. The only way I could figure out to get a definitive answer from him that I could understand was to make a pendant. I read that you could take any stone and make a pendant out of it so I  found a stone I thought would work and hung it from a piece of dental floss. Yup dental floss. Pendants do not have to be all fancy and perfect to work, I actually found that when I moved back to Canada and changed the dental floss out for wire wrapping and a pretty chain that it did not work as well as if it took more energy and was harder for my spirit guides to move.

I began asking my dad questions and low and behold the pendant worked. I made (and still do make) a conscious effort to stabilize my hands well when I am working with my pendant as I do not want my own movements to make the pendant move.  I have watched many people use there pendants and I notice that it seems to me they may be moving there hands to make the pendant say what they want it to say, most likely I am wrong however I want to know for sure that my answers are coming from spirit and not me.

I have come to understand that I have many 'spirit guides' with me at any one time. I always thought of them as my Guardian Angels, but I guess there are different 'levels' of spiritual beings. They each have a different label such as 'spirit guides' and 'guardian angels'. Here on earth we use series of symbols known as language to communicate and we tend to compartmentalize everything to better understand it. So my being told that there is a difference between what I had thought was my dad being my guardian angel to someone telling me and me agreeing to him being called my spirit guide instead is just a series of agreements I have made with others to better communicate with them. Having said that I still think of my dad as one of my guardian angels as I think of all the positive spiritual entities that are around me every day.

I regularly pick up my pendant to speak with the angels/guides in my life but whom I can not see.  I always ask 'how do you say yes', 'how do you say no', 'how do you say I can not answer that at this time'. I noticed one day that the way that spirit made the pendant move in response to my questions changed. From a circle for yes to a forward and back movement for yes. I ask if this was because the guides in my life had changed and got an affirmative answer. I have learned that guides can come and go in your life as you need them as they are specific to what guidance we may need depending on what path we are on and what we are learning at that time.

I always feel comforted by my spirit guides / guardian's presence. I know they are with me and there to support and guide me. My pendant gives me a physical way to see what answers they have to my questions.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Joy and sadness......

I have been on my own 'spiritual journey' for many years now. I have become serious about it 'once again', (we have had a precarious off and on relationship over the years).  I totally 100% believe there is more for us to see, feel, know about ourselves and the energy of the universe that is not known now, and still not readily accepted at this point in time. Over the years I have had learned bits and pieces of information here and there. Nothing really vast, just some dabbling here and there with things like tarot cards, runes and believing in and speaking with my guardian angels.

However with the advent of the internet and mass communication, information on any and every subject possible pours in and can even overload the mind sending it running around like a mad man trying to catch and file and remember everything there is to know. It is a treasure trove of information for the starving mind. The problem however is there is so much information that there is not enough time the day or the month or even a year to find and process everything there is to know. For the scattered mind that I have I want to learn it all and I want to remember it all today. I find a subject that interests me and I dive in whole heartedly so happy to have found it and be learning about it and then I 'stumble upon' a shiny new subject pertaining to the development of my spiritual self and I get excited and jump over to that one whole heartedly and excited.  My crazy dance goes on until I feel dizzy and exhausted, and I want to quit all together. So here is my dilemma, should I focus on one aspect of my spirituality and learn and fully develop it and then move on? Or should I divide my spiritual development into days and do a different thing every day. How do I make it manageable so it does not overwhelm me? So the question stands.

I found and joined a 'metaphysical/spiritual development' in the town I am currently living in. As with everything I either dive in whole heartedly 100% or not at all. So I found myself after a time (even though I promised myself I would not!) volunteering to help organize, research and share with the group. I know that one of my callings is to organize and teach it is something that happens in my life repeatedly, if I could just figure out how to make it profitable (haha). Teaching is the best way for me to learn too. At first it was wonderful so many new ideas and things to learn and share. So much support! It was fabulous. However as it works with most things in people lives, things started to get in the way, fewer and fewer people came to the meetings. Things came up that were more important and slowly over the months one by one they fell away.

I have a TERRIBLE habit of taking things personally! I have read the book The Four Agreements (my most favourite book) and I have been 'trying' to apply the rules in my life for several years now. However every once in while  (like every day or two) my wonderful ego rears his (not sure why I call it a him?) overbearing obsessive head, and I do, assume and take something personally. So yesterday I started to wonder and obsess about 'why' people are no longer coming to the meetings. My ego happily proceeds to inform me all the reasons why NO ONE wants to come to the meetings anymore. Because I charged in like a bull and just took over, I was too pushy, I offended them all in some mysterious way, I am too needy, they do not like me....... oh poor poor me. Yup ego is great at making me feel crappy for sure! I got sad and cried and made my husband cry because he could not help me. And really how could he help me with my ego in my head? He could not. All he could do is love and support me and swear to me all the crazy ideas in my head were just that crazy ideas in my head and I needed to stop worrying about it. He told me to call someone and go for coffee and talk! When I let my ego push me into that room in my head, I can not talk to anyone, I can not call anyone, I can not force someone to join my pity party (except my poor husband of course because no matter what I say he WILL still love me and I am not sure the same can be said for anyone else) So I cried.

Then I thought this is CRAZY how do I get out of this head space, and I force my ego back into that back room where he belongs and sat down with some meditation music took out a sketchbook and started to draw. I created for 3 hours, I emptied my head of all thoughts and just drew, and miraculously I began to feel better! By the time I went to bed I was no longer worried about why people had dropped away and were not coming to the gatherings. It did not matter why, what mattered was I was going, I was still excited about learning and sharing.  I was not going to let my worry take that away from me. I could learn on my own and if someone should choose to join me I could share what I was learning too!  I am on my own path of enlightenment and I always welcome others to join me and share in this joyful experience. It does not matter what others feel or think it is irrelevant. I love me in the end that is all that matters.