Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Joy and sadness......

I have been on my own 'spiritual journey' for many years now. I have become serious about it 'once again', (we have had a precarious off and on relationship over the years).  I totally 100% believe there is more for us to see, feel, know about ourselves and the energy of the universe that is not known now, and still not readily accepted at this point in time. Over the years I have had learned bits and pieces of information here and there. Nothing really vast, just some dabbling here and there with things like tarot cards, runes and believing in and speaking with my guardian angels.

However with the advent of the internet and mass communication, information on any and every subject possible pours in and can even overload the mind sending it running around like a mad man trying to catch and file and remember everything there is to know. It is a treasure trove of information for the starving mind. The problem however is there is so much information that there is not enough time the day or the month or even a year to find and process everything there is to know. For the scattered mind that I have I want to learn it all and I want to remember it all today. I find a subject that interests me and I dive in whole heartedly so happy to have found it and be learning about it and then I 'stumble upon' a shiny new subject pertaining to the development of my spiritual self and I get excited and jump over to that one whole heartedly and excited.  My crazy dance goes on until I feel dizzy and exhausted, and I want to quit all together. So here is my dilemma, should I focus on one aspect of my spirituality and learn and fully develop it and then move on? Or should I divide my spiritual development into days and do a different thing every day. How do I make it manageable so it does not overwhelm me? So the question stands.

I found and joined a 'metaphysical/spiritual development' in the town I am currently living in. As with everything I either dive in whole heartedly 100% or not at all. So I found myself after a time (even though I promised myself I would not!) volunteering to help organize, research and share with the group. I know that one of my callings is to organize and teach it is something that happens in my life repeatedly, if I could just figure out how to make it profitable (haha). Teaching is the best way for me to learn too. At first it was wonderful so many new ideas and things to learn and share. So much support! It was fabulous. However as it works with most things in people lives, things started to get in the way, fewer and fewer people came to the meetings. Things came up that were more important and slowly over the months one by one they fell away.

I have a TERRIBLE habit of taking things personally! I have read the book The Four Agreements (my most favourite book) and I have been 'trying' to apply the rules in my life for several years now. However every once in while  (like every day or two) my wonderful ego rears his (not sure why I call it a him?) overbearing obsessive head, and I do, assume and take something personally. So yesterday I started to wonder and obsess about 'why' people are no longer coming to the meetings. My ego happily proceeds to inform me all the reasons why NO ONE wants to come to the meetings anymore. Because I charged in like a bull and just took over, I was too pushy, I offended them all in some mysterious way, I am too needy, they do not like me....... oh poor poor me. Yup ego is great at making me feel crappy for sure! I got sad and cried and made my husband cry because he could not help me. And really how could he help me with my ego in my head? He could not. All he could do is love and support me and swear to me all the crazy ideas in my head were just that crazy ideas in my head and I needed to stop worrying about it. He told me to call someone and go for coffee and talk! When I let my ego push me into that room in my head, I can not talk to anyone, I can not call anyone, I can not force someone to join my pity party (except my poor husband of course because no matter what I say he WILL still love me and I am not sure the same can be said for anyone else) So I cried.

Then I thought this is CRAZY how do I get out of this head space, and I force my ego back into that back room where he belongs and sat down with some meditation music took out a sketchbook and started to draw. I created for 3 hours, I emptied my head of all thoughts and just drew, and miraculously I began to feel better! By the time I went to bed I was no longer worried about why people had dropped away and were not coming to the gatherings. It did not matter why, what mattered was I was going, I was still excited about learning and sharing.  I was not going to let my worry take that away from me. I could learn on my own and if someone should choose to join me I could share what I was learning too!  I am on my own path of enlightenment and I always welcome others to join me and share in this joyful experience. It does not matter what others feel or think it is irrelevant. I love me in the end that is all that matters.


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