Thursday, June 12, 2014


Often when someone else's reality does not line up nice and neatly with mine and I am not in the head space to shift my reality to fit theirs it can trigger a negative reaction in me. 

What is a trigger: 
Words or actions of someone (not necessarily negative in nature) that are directed at/to you that sparks a negative reaction in you. When someone says or does something not specifically mean or meant to hurt you, that gets your back up, that for some mysterious reason unknown to you makes you feel the need to defend yourself or strike out at the person and hurt them in return for what they said or did to you.  Simple words or actions directed to you that just plain make you angry. 

Everyone has their own triggers and they often do not even know why something is triggering a negative angry reaction in themselves. I have been trying to figure out my triggers and why they affect me as they do for a while now. One major trigger I have is when someone close to me tells me what to do, even with a simple suggestion or question, this makes me defensive and wildly angry.

A simple 'shouldn't you get dressed first? Most people do their hair after they get dressed not before they get dressed'..... my mind immediately goes into angry defence mode and thinks ' really MOST people do their hair AFTER they get dressed? and how the fuck do you know MOST PEOPLE? I have been getting dressed after I do my hair my whole life and you have lived with me for 18 years and all of a sudden today you feel the need to 'suggest' I do my hair after I get dressed? REALLY I mean REALLY? Fuck you for thinking you need to suggest to me how I should be doing something so simple as what order to do my hair and get dressed. What do you think I am a moron that needs to be told how to do that? Or maybe you think I have been doing it wrong all these years, and you never even noticed how I was doing it for 18 years!!'  

So I trigger and snap and say something in anger, often hurtful and the person who 'suggested' how I should be doing things does not understand why I am so angry and I can not tell them as they seem not to want to hear what I have to say so I am stuck in a sticky mire of negativity that I have no where to direct but inwards onto myself.

In hindsight I need to figure out first why I triggered. So I do not trigger straight to anger every time . I know I can rebuild my internal emotional systems to instead laugh or ignore these simple suggestions instead of want to hit someone up side the head for telling me how I should be doing  something even though my way works fine. 

First I have to figure out why did that little 'suggestion' that I could have easily laughed at or ignored affect me so strongly? What trigger did it push? 

Emotions I felt:

This is what I heard:

Stupid - Don't you know EVERYBODY (except you) does it different. I mean everyone! What are you STUPID for not knowing this?
Wrong - Seriously you are doing it WRONG, EVERYBODY in the whole wide world gets dressed first get it right already!
Un-loved - How can I possibly love you if you do not get ready in the morning the same as EVERYBODY else in the world?
Un-worthy- I just noticed that you get dressed wrong in the morning after 18 years and no you were not worthy of me noticing and remembering before this moment, so now that I noticed you need to do it how EVERYBODY in the world does it  because your way is WRONG. 
Un-memorable- Oh hey I just realized you get dressed WRONG, sorry you are not very memorable. 
Ugly - Oh I just realized why I think you are UGLY you get dressed all WRONG in the morning.
Un-important- You are so UN-IMPORTANT to me that I never really noticed how you get dressed in the morning even though I have been watching you for 18 years. 

Now if I can just figure out what traumatic life event made me feel all these negative emotions when someone thinks I am doing something that needs to be changed to do it the way they think it should be done for it to be done right.  I will reflect on it and know that next time someone I love and am close tells me how I should be doing something, I will be aware of the affect it has on me and make a conscious effort not to let it anger me. 

Conscious alternate reaction I can have in this situation:
I can calmly ask what made you think of that today?
I will remember to not take it personally
I will not take it as a reflection on me as a person
I will laugh at the suggestion because obviously the way I do it works perfectly fine and has for a very long time
I will affirm that yes that is a way to alternatively do it perhaps I will try it one day

Today's Affirmation:

Today I will not take anything personally. I will hear what others have to say without turning it into a negative personal attack and will openly listen to what they have to say. 

Love and light

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Panic or calm....... my choice

One thing I have been taught is that I create my own reality. So why then is my reality not always bright and sunny and not stressful? I know that whatever I send out comes back to me. I try my very very hardest to send out positive thoughts and energy so that the same returns back to me.

I have for many years been practicing ways to energetically protect myself, I put my bubble around myself to filter out all the negative that invades my aura from others around me. I imagine mirrors facing out to reflect back any purposefully sent negativity back to the sender.  Ego however does not reside outside these protections I create around myself instead he resides inside of me and he is always there ever willing to taunt me and no matter how often I put his annoying little ass back in  closet, he always knows the best words to whisper in my ear so I allow him out to play. He is a master at knowing where to poke at me that will encourage me to worry, because according to him terrible panic and worry/fight or flight are the energies that 'will' solve all problems. 

Of course all that crazy worry created panic does is create a problem filled future of unmanageable proportions. The roiling emotions of panic and worry that I stir in the huge boiling pot of my mind feeds my ego and the more my pot boils the more joyful my ego becomes. It comes to mind the cartoons of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. That annoying little (or big if I let him be) ego rollicking through my mind cheering me loudly on as I joyfully create a chaotic panic filled picture of my future, while the quieter calmer voices of my 'angels' so easily goes unheard. 

Once the little bugger gets a grip on my emotions it is often terribly hard to pry his fingers out of the cracks and put him back where he belongs behind the closed door to be seen and not heard so I can hear the quieter more calm voices around me. 

When ego has gotten a good strong hold on my hand, often days can go by before I am able to calm the chaos that I have helped him create,  to feel the soft embrace of my higher self and the soft voices of my spirit guides and angels and know that everything will be okay. To accept that I have the power to not let fear of the unknown take a seat at the for front of my mind. That I run my life not my ego. The unknown does not have to be fearful it can be anticipated with joy. Instead of allowing ego to create dark negative scenarios of my future. I have the ability to enjoy every perfect moment that I am living right now and should I really feel the need to predict the future I can create beautiful calm wonderful futures for myself. 

Instead of  maniacally dancing hand in hand with my ego, and helping him build the darkest scariest scenario for my future that we can "See now you are going to fail, see how little money you have! What are you going to do? It is SO SLOW at the shop it is probably going to be slow forever now and you will lose everything! What are you going to do now that you have lost everything you worked so hard for?" 

I CAN create a beautiful future by listening to the quiet voice of my higher self and walking hand in hand with my spirit guides and guardian angels. "It is slow at the shop because I have had other things planned that I had to get done for myself and the shop before the crazy busy rush of the summer begins. My spirit guides and guardian angels saw how hard it was for me to be busy and try and finish up on the newest room to the studio while packing to move to a new home and going away for a retreat and courses two weekend in a row, so they helped me create a slow calm period in which to focus on finishing up with those important things in my life.  I have been gifted with this calm and unhurried time it is not a punishment or a negative reflection of the rest of my life.  Summer will be busy with work just as I manifest it and I will have a beautiful bright worry free future I just have to allow it to manifest."

Today's Affirmation:
Just for today
I will live and enjoy every minute of today, I will not panic, I will not worry, I will not go dancing hand in hand with my ego through my mind creating a chaotic scary future. I will trust that I am creating a beautiful abundant future for myself!

Love and Light

Friday, June 6, 2014

I am good enough

Well I attended a Goddess Heart Retreat. It was so nice, full of relaxed positive energy. What did I learn about myself? I learned I can do something alone and be okay. I am a nice person and people like me for me. I am good enough.

I AM good enough.
I will remember that my story is only my story and I have to live in and love only my story.
I will not take offence if someone does not want to be a part of my story.
I will live one second at a time, live in each moment and not worry about what any other person on the planet is thinking or feeling about me.
I will let all things come to me on there own or not come to me at all
I know that others do not validate me, I validate myself and what they think has absolutely no true bearing on my life at all.
I will be open to them if they are with me,  I will be loving and kind and accept their loving kindness in return should they decide to bestow it upon me.
I will not let anyone else write my story, one way or the other. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of me but me,  if I am love and light, authentic and non-judgemental then I am good with me.

I welcome all light beings into my life and invite them all to be a part of my story. All things I desire will come to me. I choose to trust in me and what I am feeling this minute and not judge myself based on the opinions or 'perceived' opinions of others.

I choose to be grateful for every minute of every day that I am here on this earth, be it positive or negative.

Affirmation for today:
Today I am good enough, every second and every minute of every hour
good things will come to me.

Love and Light