Thursday, June 12, 2014


Often when someone else's reality does not line up nice and neatly with mine and I am not in the head space to shift my reality to fit theirs it can trigger a negative reaction in me. 

What is a trigger: 
Words or actions of someone (not necessarily negative in nature) that are directed at/to you that sparks a negative reaction in you. When someone says or does something not specifically mean or meant to hurt you, that gets your back up, that for some mysterious reason unknown to you makes you feel the need to defend yourself or strike out at the person and hurt them in return for what they said or did to you.  Simple words or actions directed to you that just plain make you angry. 

Everyone has their own triggers and they often do not even know why something is triggering a negative angry reaction in themselves. I have been trying to figure out my triggers and why they affect me as they do for a while now. One major trigger I have is when someone close to me tells me what to do, even with a simple suggestion or question, this makes me defensive and wildly angry.

A simple 'shouldn't you get dressed first? Most people do their hair after they get dressed not before they get dressed'..... my mind immediately goes into angry defence mode and thinks ' really MOST people do their hair AFTER they get dressed? and how the fuck do you know MOST PEOPLE? I have been getting dressed after I do my hair my whole life and you have lived with me for 18 years and all of a sudden today you feel the need to 'suggest' I do my hair after I get dressed? REALLY I mean REALLY? Fuck you for thinking you need to suggest to me how I should be doing something so simple as what order to do my hair and get dressed. What do you think I am a moron that needs to be told how to do that? Or maybe you think I have been doing it wrong all these years, and you never even noticed how I was doing it for 18 years!!'  

So I trigger and snap and say something in anger, often hurtful and the person who 'suggested' how I should be doing things does not understand why I am so angry and I can not tell them as they seem not to want to hear what I have to say so I am stuck in a sticky mire of negativity that I have no where to direct but inwards onto myself.

In hindsight I need to figure out first why I triggered. So I do not trigger straight to anger every time . I know I can rebuild my internal emotional systems to instead laugh or ignore these simple suggestions instead of want to hit someone up side the head for telling me how I should be doing  something even though my way works fine. 

First I have to figure out why did that little 'suggestion' that I could have easily laughed at or ignored affect me so strongly? What trigger did it push? 

Emotions I felt:

This is what I heard:

Stupid - Don't you know EVERYBODY (except you) does it different. I mean everyone! What are you STUPID for not knowing this?
Wrong - Seriously you are doing it WRONG, EVERYBODY in the whole wide world gets dressed first get it right already!
Un-loved - How can I possibly love you if you do not get ready in the morning the same as EVERYBODY else in the world?
Un-worthy- I just noticed that you get dressed wrong in the morning after 18 years and no you were not worthy of me noticing and remembering before this moment, so now that I noticed you need to do it how EVERYBODY in the world does it  because your way is WRONG. 
Un-memorable- Oh hey I just realized you get dressed WRONG, sorry you are not very memorable. 
Ugly - Oh I just realized why I think you are UGLY you get dressed all WRONG in the morning.
Un-important- You are so UN-IMPORTANT to me that I never really noticed how you get dressed in the morning even though I have been watching you for 18 years. 

Now if I can just figure out what traumatic life event made me feel all these negative emotions when someone thinks I am doing something that needs to be changed to do it the way they think it should be done for it to be done right.  I will reflect on it and know that next time someone I love and am close tells me how I should be doing something, I will be aware of the affect it has on me and make a conscious effort not to let it anger me. 

Conscious alternate reaction I can have in this situation:
I can calmly ask what made you think of that today?
I will remember to not take it personally
I will not take it as a reflection on me as a person
I will laugh at the suggestion because obviously the way I do it works perfectly fine and has for a very long time
I will affirm that yes that is a way to alternatively do it perhaps I will try it one day

Today's Affirmation:

Today I will not take anything personally. I will hear what others have to say without turning it into a negative personal attack and will openly listen to what they have to say. 

Love and light

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