Thursday, June 12, 2014


Often when someone else's reality does not line up nice and neatly with mine and I am not in the head space to shift my reality to fit theirs it can trigger a negative reaction in me. 

What is a trigger: 
Words or actions of someone (not necessarily negative in nature) that are directed at/to you that sparks a negative reaction in you. When someone says or does something not specifically mean or meant to hurt you, that gets your back up, that for some mysterious reason unknown to you makes you feel the need to defend yourself or strike out at the person and hurt them in return for what they said or did to you.  Simple words or actions directed to you that just plain make you angry. 

Everyone has their own triggers and they often do not even know why something is triggering a negative angry reaction in themselves. I have been trying to figure out my triggers and why they affect me as they do for a while now. One major trigger I have is when someone close to me tells me what to do, even with a simple suggestion or question, this makes me defensive and wildly angry.

A simple 'shouldn't you get dressed first? Most people do their hair after they get dressed not before they get dressed'..... my mind immediately goes into angry defence mode and thinks ' really MOST people do their hair AFTER they get dressed? and how the fuck do you know MOST PEOPLE? I have been getting dressed after I do my hair my whole life and you have lived with me for 18 years and all of a sudden today you feel the need to 'suggest' I do my hair after I get dressed? REALLY I mean REALLY? Fuck you for thinking you need to suggest to me how I should be doing something so simple as what order to do my hair and get dressed. What do you think I am a moron that needs to be told how to do that? Or maybe you think I have been doing it wrong all these years, and you never even noticed how I was doing it for 18 years!!'  

So I trigger and snap and say something in anger, often hurtful and the person who 'suggested' how I should be doing things does not understand why I am so angry and I can not tell them as they seem not to want to hear what I have to say so I am stuck in a sticky mire of negativity that I have no where to direct but inwards onto myself.

In hindsight I need to figure out first why I triggered. So I do not trigger straight to anger every time . I know I can rebuild my internal emotional systems to instead laugh or ignore these simple suggestions instead of want to hit someone up side the head for telling me how I should be doing  something even though my way works fine. 

First I have to figure out why did that little 'suggestion' that I could have easily laughed at or ignored affect me so strongly? What trigger did it push? 

Emotions I felt:

This is what I heard:

Stupid - Don't you know EVERYBODY (except you) does it different. I mean everyone! What are you STUPID for not knowing this?
Wrong - Seriously you are doing it WRONG, EVERYBODY in the whole wide world gets dressed first get it right already!
Un-loved - How can I possibly love you if you do not get ready in the morning the same as EVERYBODY else in the world?
Un-worthy- I just noticed that you get dressed wrong in the morning after 18 years and no you were not worthy of me noticing and remembering before this moment, so now that I noticed you need to do it how EVERYBODY in the world does it  because your way is WRONG. 
Un-memorable- Oh hey I just realized you get dressed WRONG, sorry you are not very memorable. 
Ugly - Oh I just realized why I think you are UGLY you get dressed all WRONG in the morning.
Un-important- You are so UN-IMPORTANT to me that I never really noticed how you get dressed in the morning even though I have been watching you for 18 years. 

Now if I can just figure out what traumatic life event made me feel all these negative emotions when someone thinks I am doing something that needs to be changed to do it the way they think it should be done for it to be done right.  I will reflect on it and know that next time someone I love and am close tells me how I should be doing something, I will be aware of the affect it has on me and make a conscious effort not to let it anger me. 

Conscious alternate reaction I can have in this situation:
I can calmly ask what made you think of that today?
I will remember to not take it personally
I will not take it as a reflection on me as a person
I will laugh at the suggestion because obviously the way I do it works perfectly fine and has for a very long time
I will affirm that yes that is a way to alternatively do it perhaps I will try it one day

Today's Affirmation:

Today I will not take anything personally. I will hear what others have to say without turning it into a negative personal attack and will openly listen to what they have to say. 

Love and light

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Panic or calm....... my choice

One thing I have been taught is that I create my own reality. So why then is my reality not always bright and sunny and not stressful? I know that whatever I send out comes back to me. I try my very very hardest to send out positive thoughts and energy so that the same returns back to me.

I have for many years been practicing ways to energetically protect myself, I put my bubble around myself to filter out all the negative that invades my aura from others around me. I imagine mirrors facing out to reflect back any purposefully sent negativity back to the sender.  Ego however does not reside outside these protections I create around myself instead he resides inside of me and he is always there ever willing to taunt me and no matter how often I put his annoying little ass back in  closet, he always knows the best words to whisper in my ear so I allow him out to play. He is a master at knowing where to poke at me that will encourage me to worry, because according to him terrible panic and worry/fight or flight are the energies that 'will' solve all problems. 

Of course all that crazy worry created panic does is create a problem filled future of unmanageable proportions. The roiling emotions of panic and worry that I stir in the huge boiling pot of my mind feeds my ego and the more my pot boils the more joyful my ego becomes. It comes to mind the cartoons of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. That annoying little (or big if I let him be) ego rollicking through my mind cheering me loudly on as I joyfully create a chaotic panic filled picture of my future, while the quieter calmer voices of my 'angels' so easily goes unheard. 

Once the little bugger gets a grip on my emotions it is often terribly hard to pry his fingers out of the cracks and put him back where he belongs behind the closed door to be seen and not heard so I can hear the quieter more calm voices around me. 

When ego has gotten a good strong hold on my hand, often days can go by before I am able to calm the chaos that I have helped him create,  to feel the soft embrace of my higher self and the soft voices of my spirit guides and angels and know that everything will be okay. To accept that I have the power to not let fear of the unknown take a seat at the for front of my mind. That I run my life not my ego. The unknown does not have to be fearful it can be anticipated with joy. Instead of allowing ego to create dark negative scenarios of my future. I have the ability to enjoy every perfect moment that I am living right now and should I really feel the need to predict the future I can create beautiful calm wonderful futures for myself. 

Instead of  maniacally dancing hand in hand with my ego, and helping him build the darkest scariest scenario for my future that we can "See now you are going to fail, see how little money you have! What are you going to do? It is SO SLOW at the shop it is probably going to be slow forever now and you will lose everything! What are you going to do now that you have lost everything you worked so hard for?" 

I CAN create a beautiful future by listening to the quiet voice of my higher self and walking hand in hand with my spirit guides and guardian angels. "It is slow at the shop because I have had other things planned that I had to get done for myself and the shop before the crazy busy rush of the summer begins. My spirit guides and guardian angels saw how hard it was for me to be busy and try and finish up on the newest room to the studio while packing to move to a new home and going away for a retreat and courses two weekend in a row, so they helped me create a slow calm period in which to focus on finishing up with those important things in my life.  I have been gifted with this calm and unhurried time it is not a punishment or a negative reflection of the rest of my life.  Summer will be busy with work just as I manifest it and I will have a beautiful bright worry free future I just have to allow it to manifest."

Today's Affirmation:
Just for today
I will live and enjoy every minute of today, I will not panic, I will not worry, I will not go dancing hand in hand with my ego through my mind creating a chaotic scary future. I will trust that I am creating a beautiful abundant future for myself!

Love and Light

Friday, June 6, 2014

I am good enough

Well I attended a Goddess Heart Retreat. It was so nice, full of relaxed positive energy. What did I learn about myself? I learned I can do something alone and be okay. I am a nice person and people like me for me. I am good enough.

I AM good enough.
I will remember that my story is only my story and I have to live in and love only my story.
I will not take offence if someone does not want to be a part of my story.
I will live one second at a time, live in each moment and not worry about what any other person on the planet is thinking or feeling about me.
I will let all things come to me on there own or not come to me at all
I know that others do not validate me, I validate myself and what they think has absolutely no true bearing on my life at all.
I will be open to them if they are with me,  I will be loving and kind and accept their loving kindness in return should they decide to bestow it upon me.
I will not let anyone else write my story, one way or the other. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of me but me,  if I am love and light, authentic and non-judgemental then I am good with me.

I welcome all light beings into my life and invite them all to be a part of my story. All things I desire will come to me. I choose to trust in me and what I am feeling this minute and not judge myself based on the opinions or 'perceived' opinions of others.

I choose to be grateful for every minute of every day that I am here on this earth, be it positive or negative.

Affirmation for today:
Today I am good enough, every second and every minute of every hour
good things will come to me.

Love and Light

Friday, May 23, 2014

Chaos makes me stronger

Some days I feel creatively drained. My mind is blank. It is frustrating when something you are good at seems to have abandoned you. I love to write. I am good at it. Usually.....

The last couple of days every time I sit down to try and write I am not sure what I want to say. My ego has been out of the closet more often than usual with his angry attitude and rude comments. So all I want to do is write about negative things.

I guess if I was a professional writer it would be called writers block. I imagine it happens in all areas, perhaps it is my spirit guides letting me know I need to turn my attention to other things in my life at the moment. And in the overload that is my life my Ego has stepped forward in self preservation, in his never ending in your face pushy way,  to save me from my dangerous life.

Yes I guess I have a lot going on right now. We are moving to a new house in a week & renovating a room at the shop (New paint and flooring), on top of all the regular things we have to do everyday. Plus it is spring and nice out and we want to get as much quiet time at the motorhome at our summer spot as possible. We have to drive and pick up some furniture we are purchasing for our new house today after work. Tomorrow we want to go out and spend a couple days at the summer spot. We still have to pack next week because we move on Thursday. We want to put flooring down in the remodelled room at the shop, while working in between remodelling AND next weekend I have booked myself into a Goddess Spiritual Retreat starting on Friday so we have to have all this done by next Friday. Haha no pressure.

So it stands to reason I am feeling a bit disconnected. And as a result Ego is out of the closet in full regalia cheering me on, and speaking through my mouth with his unique angry snarky tone. I can see him in my mind excitedly and happily dancing around while throwing out rude comments about everything like a demented little leprechaun.   I have to gently, or non to gently if needed, relegate him back to his supporting role in the back seat to do what he is supposed to do and wait for a 'real' life threatening situation to come forward to help me out with.

So I ground myself, ask my spirit guides and guardian angels for strength to focus on one minute, one hour, one day at a time until I have once again worked my way out of the craziness I have orchestrated for myself and have a chance to breath a sigh and relax. Of course I realize I obviously Love the craziness and chaos I create in my life because I do it over and over and over again. Is it a good thing? I do not know. However what does not kill me makes me stronger and I do love the sense of accomplishment I get from surviving and conquering the chaos when it is all said and done. I will add it to the list of things I want to take some time to sit down, and meditate on it when I get a free minute later on.

Huh in hindsight I guess I do have something positive to write. Thank you my spirit guides.

Lesson learned: 
Open your mind and let you spirit guides help you and they are always there to do so!

Todays Affirmation:

Today I will be calm and focused even in the centre of chaos. 

Love and Light

Saturday, May 17, 2014


I did one of those online quizzes this one was called "What do people like about you?"
It warned me: You might be in for a surprise.

It had 10 generic questions. 
What would you miss the most after not having a week? -Car -TV -Computer -Phone
How often do you find yourself angry at someone? -Almost Always -Almost Never -Rarely -Sometimes
Pick a board game -Chess -Checkers -Backgammon. 
What is the best gift you can receive? -Box of treats -Hugs -kisses -Flowers
and so on.........

Well after being forewarned I might be surprised at the answer, much to my surprise I got this:
You're a blissy-type. Happiness, euphoria, and rapture describe your personality well. You have a contagiously optimistic outlook on life, and deep down you truly and honestly believe that things will get better. Precisely because of this natural elation you have, reality always aligns itself to give you the best that it offers.

WOW ....... Woo Hoo!!

This after I honestly answered I feel like I am almost always angry at someone, and that the best gift I could get was a Box of Treats (which I promptly felt was a selfish answer even though it was a truthful answer).  Huh go figure. Well needless to say I am going to take this one and run with it. I never figured myself to be the blissy-type before. Incidentally I also took the test and answered the opposite of what I would answer and the thing I got was a 'Smile' so not everyone gets the same thing. 

Okay so the question is really what is bliss? Because it is one of those words that sounds really really hard to attain. 

Bliss: is a stage which is above any emotional state that is characterized as peace or happiness (feelings of enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction).

Okay so that does not sound so intimidating to achieve. All I have to do is be in an emotional state of happiness and peace, which is the place in my head where I am feeling enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction. Looking at it this way I find this is something easily attainable.

This truly is my goal in life, like really who would not want to be happy, euphoric, and rapturous? What great words to strive for in my life. So I ask myself do I already have an optimistic outlook on life? Do I truly believe deep down that things will get better? Is reality aligning itself with me to give me the best it has to offer?

I am choosing to believe that my guides are sending me a message with this random little test, that I am on the right track. That all the affirmations, conscious setting forth of intent, meditating, positive energy and believing I will receive all that I desire is working for me. I am achieving the optimistic outlook on life I want. I do believe things will get better and I do know that reality aligns itself to my desires. My life is on the right track and I am creating a positive reality for myself! 

(shut up and go back to your closet Ego!

It can be hard to be positive and believe that all of my efforts are reaping positive results in my life when Ego is constantly trying to rear his sarcastic negative ugly head inside of me and trying to beat me down.  I sometimes think "As if life is not hard enough as it is, without that voice in my head (who's name is Ego) telling me I am not: good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough...... blah blah blah".  Then I think, "hey screw you Ego, I am good, strong, smart and pretty enough." I do not have to buy into your negative attitude, I can and am freeing my positive blissy self from the prison my Ego has tried to keep it in all my life and I am believing in the positive reality I am creating for myself.  

Affirmation for today:
I am living with optimism and bliss. 

Love and Light

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Forward Movement??


Or maybe it is forgetful. 

It can be a side effect of opening yourself and raising your vibration when you are developing your intuitive abilities. I have been doing my best to figure out how to deal with it. I have always been a great 'organizer' however lately I have been a bit unorganized and scattered. Or at least I feel as if I am not doing what I need to do to 'develop' my intuitive skills. As with anything new repetition is the key. Meditating EVERY day to get in the 'habit' is hard. Writing in my journal EVERY day is difficult because some days I do not know what to write. Often I record my dreams as I am a vivid dreamer, occasionally I write down meditations and messages I get from my tarot cards and rarely I write down random synchronicities or messages I notice during the day.  As with everything I started out trying really hard to meditate every day. Slowly over the weeks I went to 5, 4, 3, 2 days a week. I am going to say it is because our house is so small and noise bothers me and makes it hard to meditate so I get frustrated. However I think perhaps it is the fact that I am not sure what I am gaining by meditating every day. I think I should be getting insight and messages from my spirit guides and guardian angels however I do not always get anything. In thinking about it I think that is what I am supposed to achieve in meditating, nothingness. If that is the case I am doing fabulous at it.  I know I want a 'mentor' to help me stay on track and encourage me with my development, kind of like the Jenny Craig mentor you see every week that tells you 'you are doing fabulous keep up the good work' and to give me helpful advice on how to proceed. I have put out the intention for this mentor to come into my life and I am sure in time they will come. Patience little sprout patience. 

I want the change and learning to be quicker than it is sometimes. The even road where you stay the same is kind of like the plateau when you are on a diet, discouraging. I know that my guides are with me at all times, guiding me and supporting me. I am not going to have great epiphanies every day, some days will just be........ boring, as my guides gently steer me in the right direction. Good thing they are patient, forgiving, understanding and kind because somedays I can frustrate even myself with my willy nilly misdirection. 

I do know that I am working on my intuitive self daily. Everyday I make a conscious effort to be aware of how my ego is encouraging me to be, offended, or mean, or upset, or angry. Everyday I gently push my ego back and sooth it telling it, 'it is okay I got this I do not need to be mean, rude, angry or upset. I do not need to worry and fear the future it is not here yet.' I am slowly making tiny forward movements in the taming of my volatile ego. Every teeny tiny step is progress. Everyday I do my affirmations and make a conscious effort to be a beautiful loving being inside and out. This is the best thing I can do for myself, learning, meditations, dream analyzation, crystal use aside. Because without the taming of my volatile ego the expansion of my true spiritual self would not be possible at all. 

Affirmation for the day:
Today I am going to enjoy the forward movement of my life moment by moment. I am going to gently guide my poor scared ego back into the quiet room of my mind. I am going to enjoying the forward movements of learning to love myself and my life!

One thing it is good to remember is that most days we do not see the grand scheme for our lives we just need to trust and love ourselves and know we are in the place we need to be now at this moment of our life. 

Love and Light

Monday, May 5, 2014

Understanding Me the 'INFJ' Enigma

I did the Jung personality test on myself yesterday and then did it again on a different web site and both times I got INFJ "Strength of individual traits: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging, Turbulent".  From what I have researched (I am an obsessive researcher which I notice is a trait of the INFJ personality type) that only 1%-3% of people in the world are INFJ's. So it is no wonder people do not 'get' me and even I often do not 'get' me.

I am and always have been an enigma (a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand) even to myself.

True to INFJ personality, I was super introverted as a child I was terrified to go anywhere by myself without someone with me to 'protect' me. Perhaps part of this comes from me also being an intuitive/empath and not realizing and therefore not understanding this and as a result not being able to control or block the energy of others around me. Of course as a natural progression in order to protect ourselves, we grow and learn as we get older and I have 'trained' myself how to be okay being around people I do not know and going into unfamiliar places, I can go out by myself and take care of what needs to be taken care of without needing to have someone 'hold my hand'.  However even after 50 years of life and 35 years of personal conditioning and training I still have that little bit of panic inside whenever I have to do something without someone by my side to 'protect' me. Protect me from what? I am not exactly sure, I can not articulate it to myself so therefore can not articulate it to you, however if you feel it too you know what I mean. Perhaps it is that I can naturally 'draw' the familiar energy of the person I am with around myself, thus protecting myself from being overwhelmed by the energy of those I do not know and am unfamiliar with.

This personality type can be seen as an extroverted due to their warm and caring nature.
I do love people, however I like to be around people under my own terms and conditions. When I am working at my business which I own and am comfortable in I have no problem interacting with people I do not know, who come in to speak with me.  If I have to go somewhere I have never been where I will not know anyone I am very shy, much quieter and reserved. I would rather go somewhere familiar than anywhere new, be it a public or private place, a restaurant, a store, a persons home,  I have never gone to before.  I still have to 'force' myself to go into places I have never been before. Over time these places and people become familiar and it gets easier to go back the more times I go. Couple my natural tendency to be introverted with overwhelming intuition and empathic feeling, and I begin to understand why I have the difficulty I have in relating and being comfortable in the world.

I have not always been able to understand how my strong empathic and intuitive feelings effect me.  Now that I have taken proactive forward steps to understand empathy and intuition I wonder why I did not do it sooner.  I look back at the 50 years that have passed and think that this point in my life can easily be only the mid point of my life here and when I look to the future and the next 50 years, I am excited to think of all I can accomplish and the spiritual growth I will be able to make in this time.